My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
