I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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