so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
