I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I love you. Go after that dick
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