I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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