I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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