K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Randomize
