doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We're too hungover to prance.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
