Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Found your dick twin last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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