My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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