Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
MIDGETS
????
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
