I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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