I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
