i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
