i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a search helicopter?!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
