I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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