You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
