Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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