My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
