omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
