my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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