i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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