I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
