What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize