I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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