new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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