Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
