I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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