im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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