wat bout pragnant strippers??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
