Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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