Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize