You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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