My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
