I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
