You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
