I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
