I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
