I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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