Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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