someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
