Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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