wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
