Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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