Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
