Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
