so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
