If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize