man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
