i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
