I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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