Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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