Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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