I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
