Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if only i could text you this smell
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
