So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
