I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
