i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
