im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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