the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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